I haven’t really delved into making really personal blogs and I never will I don’t feel that I should post people’s names on the Internet and this and that blah.blah.blah…I can change names around but nah. The people I know are smart and would probably figure out that I am referring to them.
But, as blogs are good for letting out feelings, I decide to come with some insight on how I am feeling right now which is an underlying problem throughout my life. I am a person who doesn’t really trust others, my mother told me at six years of age to “Don’t depend on anyone, not even your family”, which unfortunately was golden advice although I didn’t really know what she was talking about except that every time someone disappointed me, that is what she would tell me. I also always heard her grovel “I hate people.” and I thought…how can you hate EVERYONE? But boy have I fucking learned.
When it comes to my relationships with people…when I first meet them they are on that “Who the fuck are you and what the fuck do you want?” level. I realized a flaw about myself that 8 out of 10 times, I do not feel like being bothered with people because most of the time people are about bullshit. However, if that person seems like a person that I can befriend then I do.
When I befriend that person, I’m all about them. If I give you my trust, you have my loyalty…you are the shit and no one can tell me differently about you. That’s my weakness, I give my all to people I barely know and I get heavily disappointed when those people turn out to be foul, fake or fucked up.
I think I have made that mistake with someone, I gave my all as much as I could and this muthaf….ok. I will not call them a muthafucker because I have also learned that I jumped to conclusions and stick with them…HARD until I prove otherwise; so excuse the internal battle of me giving someone the benefit of the doubt when all signs point to the fact that I am being dissed.
Now I’m a real fucking person and if someone does something wrong, I have no problems telling someone how I feel and I expect the same. How is someone going to grow as a person and improve on their critiques if the critiques are held back? Those critiques or issues that you may have with them, build animosity towards the person which leads to a silently unraveled relationship with one person having no idea what happened.
Nothing pisses me off more than when I begin to invest loyalty, compassion, trust and friendship into a person and then just like that, they are gone from my fucking life with no reason why.
Am I an asshole?
Did I piss you off?
I know I am an AWESOME fucking problem so WTF is wrong with YOU that YOU decided that I would crush you mentally like a weakened fly if our friendship continues?
If you have ever felt that way you feel me…
If you have done/do that shit…FUCKING STOP IT.
I’m the FIRST mutherfucker who will cut a person off if I feel them being fake or fucked up ESPECIALLY if I don’t really know you…
But on the other side of it, if you are starting to build a good relationship with a person whether it is a friend or more and then suddenly one day that shit goes on a stand still.
LIKE WTF IS THAT? STOP THAT SHIT AND CUT IT OUT, KARMA WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Fucking vicious cycle…I don’t let anyone new into my life MOST of the fucking time because I know that they will most likely bring bullshit and drama. But of course irony rears it fucking head when the few NEW fucking people I bring into my life do that shit. It pisses me off, I’m tired of being fucking right about people and I hope to goodness that this time I am WRONG! For once, please let me be fucking wrong.
Ahem. Whew, I feel fucking better except for the fact that the problem still remains. -.-